I normally don't get involved in religious debates, because there is no way to win, and hurt feelings will always result. However when a religious leader presents the opinion that breastfeeding must naturally cause problems in a marriage, I have to say something.
Rabbi Schmuley Boteach has raised several very controversial points in his article.
The one that I would like to address is his quote,"...the principle breakdown in our time is a loss of erotic desire in marriage..". I beg to differ. His point of view is that breasts are the erotic territory of the husband and that a baby feeding interrupts that "erotic desire". Let's bust that one! Breasts are made for feeding babies, any eroticism derived from them is a nice side benefit, but not the main purpose at all.
Lack of emotional intimacy is what leads to lack of sexual intimacy in marriage. Emotional intimacy is what we women crave from our men. It makes us feel special and want to get closer physically.
Let's face it, it's not usually the man who has a problem with a lack of desire for sex, but the woman.
Let us suppose that a woman has had a non-traumatic natural birth, she is fully recovered from the birth, the baby has settled into a routine or rhythm and she has a supportive hubby who helps out around the house when he can. This the ideal scenario to cultivate sexual intimacy between parents.
Contrary to popular opinion amongst the uninitiated, it's not breastfeeding which causes lack of desire, but tiredness. The tiredness will be there no matter what way she is feeding, because the baby requires time to care for it. A woman with a baby under one year will be waking at night for feeds or changes, babies get sick, they wake from dreams and need comforting. A woman who breast feeds is going to have the added advantage of being able to provide instant comfort for her little one. In the end this means more sleep, not less, and more time for hubby.
If he nurtures his wife and they communicate well, the feeding method need not get in the way of other things that keep the marriage fires burning. In fact some women feel more like having sex while they are affected by the hormonal changes that breastfeeding causes.
The good Rabbi's opinion notwithstanding, breasts can be one of the erogenous zones for a woman and her husband, even while they are completing their primary function of feeding a baby.
Good intimate communication is the key to a happy marriage. If you are the husband and you feel under appreciated by your wife, let her know that you love her very much and ask if their is anything you can do to give her more time. Some times women with young babies feel like they have an extra extension in the form of their baby, they may just appreciate an extra pair of hands to hold the baby once in awhile. Wives, tell your hubby you appreciate him, and everything he does for you. Say you love each other many times a day. Touch each other lovingly and affectionately. Affection which does not have an expectation of sex attached to the end of it is very comforting for a woman as well as stimulating. Many women simply can't get in the mood unless the feel affection from their men.
So all that to say, sex is a necessary part of a good marriage otherwise you may as well have remained good friends. Its worth doing everything you can to nurture your sexual relationship around any restrictions caused by your beautiful bundle of joy and the natural way of feeding it.
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